Broken Buddy Bate: Oh, "How NOT to Play with Friends"

This photo is "unique" of two young men masturbating and holding hands. I don't know where I found it, but I immediately knew it was something special. I talk a lot about masturbation and about how you should find friends to share it with. At least a couple of them. And I really, really believe that. Among men, shared masturbation can be a huge and defining quality in a friendship, without needing to escalate that friendship to the realm of dates or romantic love. Or even SEX in capital letters. I have a handful of friends in my life with whom I feel comfortable sharing my bate. With them, it's not a gay thing, and it's not really a sexual thing per se. It's a kind of shared personal intimacy and a way to invite someone to experience your private things with you. A way to offer intense validation about who they are and their level of trust and comfort in their presence. Buddybate, as it is known in the common language of the bate culture, can refer to many things. But what it means most to me, and what I think all men should strive to find in another man, is the exercise that allows someone to have something intimate in their world, with their body, while remaining connected with them. That connection is phenomenally important, and without it, you're simply masturbating next to someone who is also masturbating. It's also incredibly difficult to define or identify. I think these images give an idea of what I'm talking about, but it's important that you identify it for yourself: I receive more comments and messages from men who regret the loss of that friendship or complain about never having had it. They all point to this photo and say "I want that." Despite all the hardcore porn, bareback, fuck-me-in-the-ass that exists in the world of male sex, it seems that what men want (without realizing they want it) is to be connected. Connected to another human being; another man. And through that connection, to be connected to the greatest energy in the universe (I know how hippie that sounds.) It's something easier to see from the outside, this desire for connection, and I probably notice it because I spend a lot of time writing about it and helping to foster it through my work. But it can be hard to detect in one's own list of driving forces. And that's even before delving into the industry of the multibillion-dollar pornography that creates endless and shareable content that neglects or completely denies the concept of connection. If one is obsessed with heaps, heaps of pornography, dissecting the idea of 'connection' would be like asking a Taco Bell employee about the nutritional breakdown of Nachos Bel. They don't care about that. You're supposed to figure it out. I came across these GIFs on Tumblr, admiring the brotherhood I was witnessing here. Someone more dedicated than me identified it as a production of Sean Cody, so I borrowed a friend's account for what I hoped would be a fun and penis-filled evening to see these men find greater pleasure in their brother's pleasure. What I got was something else, completely. It wasn't bad, per se. But it was obvious that, although I managed to climax, I would have some thoughts about this that persisted beyond the 22 minutes of this scene. And I do: Stu and Pavel are handsome, muscular, and hairy in all the right places and ways. They are the ideal men of Sean Cody. But that's where they diverge. Stu is a capable bottom and seems to take it well enough to be enjoyable to watch. But that guy is marked, to hell. In several visualizations of this video, I found almost a dozen examples of Pavel desperately seeking some kind of connection with his scene partner, only for Stu to completely ignore him, or briefly check him out and then physically turn his face away to break it. I made a brief clip of the first four minutes or so of this video, and highlighted the points where Pavel seems to be saying "hey, buddy?" and Stu shuts him down or completely ignores him: At some point, Pavel realizes he's not going to get what he's looking for from this guy and becomes fixated on Stu's erection. He doesn't even look at him after this, until it's time for penetration. And penetration starts around 5 damn minutes into the scene. Which should be a good indicator of the chemistry Stu is capable of engaging in. But it's fun to watch Pavel suck a dick, because he's clearly the kind of guy who delights in having a penis in his mouth and seems to be quite skilled at orally manipulating it. What you should notice in that video is that Pavel is doing everything he can to get this guy to really pay attention to him. It's physical, it's vocal, and at one point around 1:29, he even grabs Stu's face to try to physically redirect him (one of my favorite personal tactics for dealing with the Stus of the world). But Stu doesn't accept it. He's focused on his high school dry jerk-off and doesn't seem to realize or care that Pavel is trying to make this a much better session.   What you should take away from this is the idea that real connection requires practical effort. You need to be present, and you need to see the person you are with. Look them in the eyes. Force them to look at you, if necessary. Outside the grand theater of pornography, what you share with that other man is intensely personal and often very private. Something they may have all kinds of conflicting feelings about: shame, guilt, fear, sadness, euphoria. You can't do anything about their feelings, but you can be open and receptive and those are the keys to a connected sexual interaction. You can be excited and let their expressions of pleasure enhance yours. It's vulnerable, exciting, and unique to show someone what you look like when you masturbate, and it can be exponentially more when they receive it enthusiastically and reflect it back. That's literally all that happens in PeC. Men sharing their masturbation in an attempt to connect and enhance their brother's masturbation and pleasure. Nothing more sinister or “dirty” or profound. Stu misses the opportunity to share his body in a way related to his driving force. Instead, what he offers is some unlubricated cock jerks and a hairy ass to go wild on. That's fine, I guess.

It's the difference between eating a real, hearty, and enjoyable meal, and sucking on those sloppy Nachos Bel. You may feel full. But hardly satisfied. I'm ecstatic that this simple and beautiful photograph of two guys holding their erections while shaking hands is my best post. I hope it becomes the definitive post of PeC. I wouldn't have any complaints if everyone who entered my page did so because they saw something in that image that they recognized, or desired more than they thought possible. That would be the dream. The only thing better than that would be if I could help someone gather the courage to find their own brothers to share their bate with. Because it's worth any risk, rejection, pain, or alienation you may experience. It's worth it beyond comparison.